It's been a while since I've nattered here. I ran headfirst and full speed into a wall of self doubt early last week and it's really dumped me into a messy place. A couple events that happened one of the other set it all into motion, and really, it's had me questioning and doubting almost everything I have going on in my boring life at the moment.
Some drama with one of my sons has me wondering about how I relate to people. I think he's being ridiculous in what happened but it was still enough to make me stop and put defensive walls up all around me again. How do I really treat people? What do they really think of me? Can some things be mended, and are some things even worth trying to mend?
Some drama in the family concerning one of my brothers has me looking at that whole mess again. I have five siblings and my mom. Obviously I'm still close to my mom but with the rest of the family I've grown very distant. Some of my siblings see each other more than others but in general we've all drifted apart. Every once in a while there is feeling of family renewal in me, like when I was staying at my mom's and my sister, nephew, brother, and two sisters-in-law were all visiting one day. But then as soon as we leave whatever get-together it is, things slip back to how they usually are and then I feel even more like 'Yeah, we're done here.'
Some drama on Facebook reminded me why I barely use that or any other social media. The thing I use Facebook for the most is private chats with a select few people. After what happened, I got so pissed for so many reasons that I could do another society rant about it but won't. There was rudeness and closed mindedness, and after the initial rage wore off I decided it was time to clean up my 'friends' list. I'm not the kind of person that can easily pick up friendships after a long time of nothingness. I need the frequent contact, and I need the other person to be the one to reach out once in a while. Facebook and other social media outlets give people big bold balls. It's easy to be snotty and mean while you're hiding behind a screen. Maybe if people would stop and think, and post things they'd only say if they were face to face, things might be a little easier to deal with.
So all of these mind games of course had me looking at everything else, this blog in particular. I really did come dangerously close to throwing in the towel this week. I feel I can't compete with all the more well done, professional looking blogs. My pictures used to be good enough for the humbleness of this homey little blog but now I feel they just aren't cutting it. I can't compete in the wax world because I don't order often and I don't order from all the popular names people want to read about. My excitement for wax in general is really dying down this past year or so. My posts are not eloquent or well written. I just write what I think as I think it. The things I do like to buy or write about are not the popular things people want to read about. My posts lately have been even more sloppy and half-assed. Mix the new dose of self doubt into it all and yeah, everything was telling me to give it up.
What would my next hobby be then? Of course, card making. And yep, the self doubt did its job there too. A little incident yesterday really added to it. I'd given a small birthday gift and handmade card to a coworker that I'm pretty good friends with. She didn't even notice that the card was handmade and didn't even keep it when she tossed out the wrapping paper from the gift! This just highlights again that most people these days just don't care about cards so a handmade one isn't going to mean diddly either. It really bummed me out on top of everything else. I had a bit of renewed hope this morning though, and hauled out my supplies because I had an urge to just make a couple cards. As I sat and sifted through the papers and things I do have, trying to find something that 'worked,' all the negativity came back and I gave up. When I took a few minutes to really think about who in my life I would give cards to, it became obvious that most of them are in the 'don't care about cards' category. It'll be much easier and cheaper to just pick something up at Walmart when an occasion rolls around. So yes, the Debbie Downer Doubt Train hit me there too.
Just EVERYTHING seemed like a failure or a wasted effort.
I got sick Friday afternoon and evening. I was so frikken stressed out by then that I'm not sure if that's what caused it or what, but I got really dizzy and super nauseous. I actually wondered if I might be having a stroke! I ended up laying on the couch, crying into a towel, trying to keep perfectly still because the room was spinning so much. Then I got mad and more distressed because on top of everything else I was sick of feeling sick! (My ongoing achy feet and sleep problems, etc.) I just dissolved into a complete sobbing, nearly hyperventilating mess for a while. Hubby came home from work and thought something serious had happened, like perhaps someone had died. I managed to sniffle out that no, I was just having a meltdown. He went to get supper from a local place. I nibbled some, then managed to drag myself up to bed at about 6pm. He slept on the couch that night. I got a couple big chunks of uninterrupted sleep in that night, and felt physically better Saturday morning, enough that I did make it to work. I still feel a mild lingering buzz in my head once in a while, so I'm thinking maybe it's sinus related, but the sobbing meltdown was just pure stress. I know that now.
I'm rethinking some things about the blog now that I'm kinda coming out of my dark place. I'm rethinking some things about my wax interests, about crafty things, and about family things. I'm feeling a need to step back and simplify. Some of this isn't new, and probably seems like the same old pity party you've all heard before. And maybe that's true, but these events this past week, so close together, are just really making me look at things again.
Interestingly, I just had a conversation with Casey while trying to write this. He asked what I thought about him leaving his job for [something else]. That kind of led into a conversation of 'don't just talk about wanting to do it......just do it,' and how I wish hubby and I had been more like that all these years, more of the go-getter type. If we had, maybe they boys would be accomplishing more, and I wouldn't be such a mopey mess in my life. Heh.
So yeah, just wanted to update and whine a little. My thoughts are just so soooo scattered lately. I don't know if the blog changes that I'm thinking of will ever actually happen, but I know things just aren't thrilling me anymore the way they are now. And even making statements like that makes me cringe because it seems so dramatic.
So I'll just stop nattering for now and post this.