Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Jan. 31

Doing these early morning posts is confusing me.  I usually do them in the evening as a recap of my day.  Now they're in the morning, recapping the previous day.  Heh, that probably doesn't matter to anyone but me so I'll just shush and carry on.

Did you see the Super Blue Blood Moon or whatever they're calling it?  I did not but I heard on the radio it was too cloudy in this area to see anything anyway.

Well, I called in sick again today.  The flu *is* going around and I *do* feel quite bleah but like I said yesterday, I'm not sure if it's actual illness or just anxiety.  Maybe it's both.  Casey came over yesterday to do some laundry and he brought me some 7Up, so I sipped that all day and didn't really eat much.  I took it easy all day, played my games and tried not to worry about things, but stressful things were always tickling the far edges of my mind.  And today, I'd decided even before my alarm went off that I wasn't going to work.  I got up, fed the cats (Fattycat gets medicine in the morning), then went right back to bed and sent my boss a message that I wasn't coming in today.  Then I tossed and turned in bed for another hour before giving up that fight and just getting back up.

I've realized some things and come to a decision in all this.  My work troubles are different now.  It used to stress me out nearly to the point of physical illness that I had to deal with such mismanaged chaos.  It used to feel like my bosses were just dumping extras tasks and responsibilities on me, and not listening to any of my complaints.  I used to get so worked up about them not doing anything about the problems that run rampant in the plant.  All of that is still there but I've grown sort of numb to it.  I realized that now I feel like I don't matter.  It doesn't feel like I'm actually contributing anything to the job, to my crew, to anything.  It's like I go in, do all these stupid things that everyone asks me to do, am expected to get this that and the other done, and then I quietly go home.  And what have I done?  I've realized I'm tired of dealing with all the whining of the stupid people, tired of dealing with the morons who can't do their jobs even after two years, tired of having extra tasks dumped on me with no thanks or acknowledgement, tired of being everyone's bitch.  These days I've missed work lately are more because of a feeling that it doesn't matter whether I'm there or not, so it's becoming easier to just not be there.

I've toyed with the idea of bidding down to a lesser position before, but what's always stopped me is the pay cut.  I'd looked at it before as 'I *need* that extra couple dollars to help get these debts paid off faster!'  Well if it's to the point where I'm missing whole days of work, how are those extra couple dollars helping at all?  If bidding down to a slightly lower paying job, but one with far less stress and responsibility makes it easier for me to drag myself to in to work each day, isn't it worth it in the end?!  At this point, I think so.  If I can get back to running a machine it will mean I no longer have to deal with the whining of all the coworkers who call me for every little thing.  I won't be at the mercy of higher ups who just dump of tasks on the lead person.  I'll just have my one little area to worry about, and at the end of the day I'll feel like I contributed something because I'll have produced x-amount of cases on *my* machine.  I think this might just be my sanity saver, and I'm pretty sure a spot like this is opening up soon.  And I'm going to pounce on it!

I think.

In other news, I was floored to find out yesterday that a YouTuber I've been watching off and on for several years now has separated from her fiance.  They've been together since high school and have three kids together.  They're both young, still in their 20s.  They always seemed so happy and successful!  I guess it just goes to show how easy it is to only show what you want people to see on YouTube.  I also understand how stressful it must be for such young people to have taken on so much so soon.  Not only was I floored about news of the separation, but I was once again floored by the fact that being a YouTuber apparently pays so well.  She's taken all three kids and gotten an apartment of her own . . . with only her YouTube income!  She did admit that she knows the YT money won't always be there, but for now, wow.  I've never dreamed of being a YouTuber (way too self conscious for that) but I have dreamed of making money from blogging.  I've just never put enough effort into it.  Maybe I need to revisit that idea!  lol

Well, I need to go take some Pepto because my tummy is a mess, whether from legit cooties or just stress.  Then I need to stalk a wax vendor for some super cute dragon tarts that are being restocked today.  And mixed in with all that, I'll be playing one or both of my games and trying not to worry about things for a while.

Have you ever dreamed of being a YouTuber?
Do you make money from your blog?
Should I bid down to the lesser job position?

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